Committed to Carry On
Sunday, December 29, 1996
I’ve decided to place advertisements for my art business in the phone directory. It will be costly, but they might help pave the way for exhibitions later on. This means that I am committed to carrying on. I'll begin work on the show. I still haven’t decided what the theme will be, but it will have something to do with overlapping shapes, groups, emotions, tangles.
Can't Touch My Dreams
Tuesday, November 26, 1996
Last night was a night of dreams. Perhaps it was the heat. The dream involved a university cafeteria. I was with a group of students. Our table was in an upper level of the cafeteria, with a surrounding railing. I spoke across this railing with a person from the art department and felt my heart longing to be there, but knew inside that it could not be.
Employment Limbo
Tuesday, November 19, 1996
I have sent off my resume to The Mine and feel in limbo. Who am I?
By changing my plans and priorities so rapidly and completely, do I value myself? Have I applied for work because I am desperate for money? What becomes of all the effort expended on making art?
I want art to be my original contribution to the world, this I know, but do I need a job to pay the bills? The perennial question ...
By changing my plans and priorities so rapidly and completely, do I value myself? Have I applied for work because I am desperate for money? What becomes of all the effort expended on making art?
I want art to be my original contribution to the world, this I know, but do I need a job to pay the bills? The perennial question ...
Enthusiasm Has Died
Saturday, October 19, 1996
I saw the movie 'Tin Cup' at the theatre tonight. It is an inspirational look at ‘going for it’ for the sake of ‘going for it.’
I think of my art. I haven’t so much as picked up a carving tool for two months. What’s wrong? I am busy doing stuff for other people again.
Jerry and I talked again about doing a show next August or September. I said I’d look into venues, but I find my enthusiasm has died. Has 'real life' intervened again? What happened to my resolve of earlier in the spring? I’m afraid it has melted a bit in the face of other demands.
However, I will press on. I very much want to do the show.
I think of my art. I haven’t so much as picked up a carving tool for two months. What’s wrong? I am busy doing stuff for other people again.
Jerry and I talked again about doing a show next August or September. I said I’d look into venues, but I find my enthusiasm has died. Has 'real life' intervened again? What happened to my resolve of earlier in the spring? I’m afraid it has melted a bit in the face of other demands.
However, I will press on. I very much want to do the show.
Making a Life
Friday, October 04, 1996
On waking, my first thoughts were that I have been watching too much TV, that I need to fashion my own life and not enjoy others’ fantasies or lives as a spectator.
Whitley Striebler talks about a realm (heaven?) where myriad souls form a tapestry of their life-experience for all to enjoy.
By watching so much TV, what new material will we add to this tapestry? Will our souls exhibit a bland sameness? After all, we have watched the same programs, listened to the same music, gone to the same movies and heard the same news.
Maybe that’s why TV is so addictive? Cheap experiences, situations, pain, love, hate, rage, hurt, wonder, mystery for the price of admission. Could I be so blind not to see that life lived with love and hard work isn’t the better way? It is hard and slow, but it is real.
The power of the universe, the creative energy, is love, and we can turn it on. We can produce it. We are small generators of the universal fabric. That is why life itself supports us when we love and give ourselves in love.
Whitley Striebler talks about a realm (heaven?) where myriad souls form a tapestry of their life-experience for all to enjoy.
By watching so much TV, what new material will we add to this tapestry? Will our souls exhibit a bland sameness? After all, we have watched the same programs, listened to the same music, gone to the same movies and heard the same news.
Maybe that’s why TV is so addictive? Cheap experiences, situations, pain, love, hate, rage, hurt, wonder, mystery for the price of admission. Could I be so blind not to see that life lived with love and hard work isn’t the better way? It is hard and slow, but it is real.
The power of the universe, the creative energy, is love, and we can turn it on. We can produce it. We are small generators of the universal fabric. That is why life itself supports us when we love and give ourselves in love.
Art as Communion
Saturday, September 28, 1996
Do I make art only to gain approval from others? I need a certain level of approval to function as a sane human being in society, but art is meant to be a form of communication, a communion of one soul with another. Approval seeking is biased toward the 'other'. The other sets the agenda and the other judges the result. Whereas with communication, each gives of themselves and responds from themselves. It is mutually enriching.
Commissions With Style
Thursday, September 12, 1996
I had another insight yesterday about my work habits. In my former employment, I have been used to responding to the wishes, needs and requests of others. My jobs have all largely been response oriented, and indeed my personality tends to move me in that kind of direction.
I could continue in that vein, as a carver, doing commissions, or I could make a choice to do shows based on my own ideas. If I choose the latter, then I’ll need to turn down the volume on others’ wishes and requests, or I could work out a combination of the two. Or do commissions in my way, and in my style. I’ll have to think about this a little more. The insight, though, was that there is a difference between the way I operated before and how I might need to operate now. I’ll need to decide.
I could continue in that vein, as a carver, doing commissions, or I could make a choice to do shows based on my own ideas. If I choose the latter, then I’ll need to turn down the volume on others’ wishes and requests, or I could work out a combination of the two. Or do commissions in my way, and in my style. I’ll have to think about this a little more. The insight, though, was that there is a difference between the way I operated before and how I might need to operate now. I’ll need to decide.
Aboriginal Wisdom
Sunday, August 18, 1996
In the book ‘Mutant Message,’ (since called into question as biography) the author talks about life for the aboriginals of Australia. In their view we tend to live our lives as ‘mutants.’ They feel that much that we do is superficial and unrelated to the real ‘meat’ of life. For the aboriginals of Australia, life is about improving the soul, involving the development of talents, a positive attitude to each day, gratitude to the 'Oneness' for every gift, and doing that which always is for the greatest good. Another facet of their life acknowledges the need to grow and change, to shed the old and to live the new. Once a life work is complete, or no longer brings joy, it may be time to change, to move on, to keep growing.
Found Dream Frees
Saturday, August 03, 1996
I am down at the Yukon River in Whitehorse. It is 10:30 pm and cool with a slight breeze, but very peaceful. It is easy to be optimistic here. Life has a fullness and a beauty at these moments that is unparalleled.
Once a dream is found, it frees the dreamer. Things click into place and there is a clarity, simplicity and energy about life.
Once a dream is found, it frees the dreamer. Things click into place and there is a clarity, simplicity and energy about life.
Artists and Income
Wednesday, July 31, 1996
I spoke with fellow artist Jerry Kortello for a while last night about art and the art business. He felt a reasonable expectation of income as an artist would be between $800 to $1200 dollars per month. He talked about Picasso’s humble beginnings. In his early days, Picasso brought a man back to his studio to show him his art. The man threw some money on the floor and took a painting. Van Gogh only ever sold one painting, but it was a very beautiful painting according to Jerry.
Some Ideas About My Style
Wednesday, July 31, 1996
Do I have a style? I’ll create and remain open and let the style find me.
I like dramatic design, clean lines. People seem to like Monarch III, which I created recently. It features abstract planes and lines. To me this is very exciting because the design comes from within. It gives me confidence to pursue it further as a design idea.
I have an idea to create a monumental sculpture representing our time in history, particularly our time in history at the year 2000, the millennium. The year 2000 is not that far away, but it will be a pivotal year in the life of the planet during my lifetime. I am a millennium artist. In this sculpture I will remember who we have been as humanity, emphasize who we are, and hint at who we might become.
I’d like to learn about casting and foundry work.
I like dramatic design, clean lines. People seem to like Monarch III, which I created recently. It features abstract planes and lines. To me this is very exciting because the design comes from within. It gives me confidence to pursue it further as a design idea.
I have an idea to create a monumental sculpture representing our time in history, particularly our time in history at the year 2000, the millennium. The year 2000 is not that far away, but it will be a pivotal year in the life of the planet during my lifetime. I am a millennium artist. In this sculpture I will remember who we have been as humanity, emphasize who we are, and hint at who we might become.
I’d like to learn about casting and foundry work.
Injury
Tuesday, July 30, 1996
I carved for a while yesterday and wounded my leg, getting a little careless with the big burrs. Fitting then that this morning in the small business class we should be addressed by Worker’s Compensation.
Limiting Beliefs
Monday, July 29, 1996
I did a little work yesterday, and watched a lot of TV. The infomercials generally don’t catch my eye, but I watched Anthony Robbins’ half hour blurb. He sees hope based on passion, loosely defined. I am a little skeptical about the cult mentality that seeks out gurus who have 'the answers', though Robins does say some good things.
Robbins differentiates between motivation and passion: motivation fades but passion lasts.
He also refers to the power of limiting beliefs, explaining that we grow to the limits of our imagination and are limited in our growth by our limiting beliefs.
While swimming laps in the pool this morning, I thought about his words and wondered about my own passions and limiting beliefs. My passion is art, sculpture; my limiting beliefs are a little less clear.
I think one limiting belief is that I do not deserve to be successful, that I do not think I can be successful now or ever. I postpone my success to some future date so as not to be disappointed.
Another limiting belief may be that I shouldn’t plan for the future, as it either implies some kind of lack of trust in the present or more probably an unwillingness on my part to exclude any possibilities that might arise.
A limiting belief that I heard growing up “if you could make money at that, someone would have already thought about it, and would be doing it.”
A limiting belief from the Bible might be "there is nothing is new under the sun” - a real killer for creative types. But what about other lessons from the Bible? “Greater things than these shall ye do” or “Sing a new song”?
Robbins differentiates between motivation and passion: motivation fades but passion lasts.
He also refers to the power of limiting beliefs, explaining that we grow to the limits of our imagination and are limited in our growth by our limiting beliefs.
While swimming laps in the pool this morning, I thought about his words and wondered about my own passions and limiting beliefs. My passion is art, sculpture; my limiting beliefs are a little less clear.
I think one limiting belief is that I do not deserve to be successful, that I do not think I can be successful now or ever. I postpone my success to some future date so as not to be disappointed.
Another limiting belief may be that I shouldn’t plan for the future, as it either implies some kind of lack of trust in the present or more probably an unwillingness on my part to exclude any possibilities that might arise.
A limiting belief that I heard growing up “if you could make money at that, someone would have already thought about it, and would be doing it.”
A limiting belief from the Bible might be "there is nothing is new under the sun” - a real killer for creative types. But what about other lessons from the Bible? “Greater things than these shall ye do” or “Sing a new song”?
Demo at Gallery
Saturday, July 27, 1996
It’s been quite a day for Canada at the Olympics, winning two gold and two silver medals including Donovan Bailey’s record-breaking 100-meter dash!
I demonstrated working on my art at Yukon Native Products again today with mixed feelings. I've been struggling with price, but decided to have confidence in myself and price the stuff as fairly as I can, while keeping a vision of what I want to accomplish so that I am not sidetracked by petty criticism. Actually, there was no criticism today, really. People liked my stuff, they just weren’t buying. The printed promotional materials are good, though I may have printed a little too many artist’s statements and bios.
And I’ve made a start on 'Grizzly'.
I demonstrated working on my art at Yukon Native Products again today with mixed feelings. I've been struggling with price, but decided to have confidence in myself and price the stuff as fairly as I can, while keeping a vision of what I want to accomplish so that I am not sidetracked by petty criticism. Actually, there was no criticism today, really. People liked my stuff, they just weren’t buying. The printed promotional materials are good, though I may have printed a little too many artist’s statements and bios.
And I’ve made a start on 'Grizzly'.
Drawbacks to Artist Lifestyle
Thursday, July 25, 1996
The artist’s lifestyle I almost live here in Whitehorse during this small business course is great in some respects, but there are drawbacks.
I am only as good as my last piece.
Production on a consistent basis is important in general and it is a solitary pursuit. I find myself a little lonely at times.
I am only as good as my last piece.
Production on a consistent basis is important in general and it is a solitary pursuit. I find myself a little lonely at times.
Motivational Tips
Tuesday, July 23, 1996
One of my small business classes dealt with personal motivation today. Some of the tips:
1. Use a starting ritual to get going each day. Make it regular.
2. Use good planning techniques and plan for a steady pace.
3. Use rewards and breaks and end of day expectations.
4. Make contact with people you enjoy. Network as necessary. Telephone or do lunch.
1. Use a starting ritual to get going each day. Make it regular.
2. Use good planning techniques and plan for a steady pace.
3. Use rewards and breaks and end of day expectations.
4. Make contact with people you enjoy. Network as necessary. Telephone or do lunch.
Gallery Feedback
Monday, July 15, 1996
I visited various galleries and gift shops in Whitehorse with the works I have created to interview the owners to determine whether what I have done would be suitable for their stores and to garner any feedback they might offer:
Gallery 1
- the carved dall sheep and horn could use some more detail (retail: between $1400 and $2500 CAD)
- the killer whale carving needs to be shortened, the lines should be more crisply defined, the tail and the flukes thinned to be more representational, and the stand simplified, since it is too distracting (retail between $1200 to $1500 CAD)
- they liked the fox though the tail was a little big, and thought the butterfly pins were a great idea (retail: between $125 to $150 CAD)
- they will "go to town" if they can be an exclusive representative of my work: putting on a show, advertise and give a space in the store
- they only take work on consignment
- they sell most items if they are priced retail under $500 dollars and even more if they are under $200 dollars
Gallery 2
- the art that I create should flow so that it doesn’t look like the pieces that were glued or added on
- it was recommended that I look at animals and watch their muscle structure
- also noted that the tail and back leg of the fox could use attention (retail: fox $150, the sheep horn carving $500, the killer whale $175 dollars - the low price for the killer whale was justified because the flukes appeared to be stuck on and that if there was more flow in the piece it could go for up to $500 dollars, the butterfly brooches $30)
- she liked my work and said that I exhibited a style of my own
- when local people purchase at this gallery for others, they will spend up to about a hundred dollars, but if they are purchasing for themselves, they’ll spend between $300 to $500 dollars
- most of the summer or tourist traffic spends under $100 dollars
- I was told that if I am going to be an artist, my main concern will be to worry about inspiration, not dollars
Gallery 3
- the stands are a problem
- only a body of work that is “edge stuff” will be considered, since they will not display simple animal art
- freestanding or hanging work is desirable
Gallery 4
- they felt that the price range for the work I showed was between $150 and $250 dollars
- they liked the fox and asked if I could do four of them by August
- they said that the Americans who purchase are generally pensioners on holidays, who usually spend under $100 dollars, though Europeans and Christmas shoppers will pay more
- they liked the butterflies as well and thought that they would go well on a chain if they could be made to sell retail for under $90 dollars.
Gallery 1
- the carved dall sheep and horn could use some more detail (retail: between $1400 and $2500 CAD)
- the killer whale carving needs to be shortened, the lines should be more crisply defined, the tail and the flukes thinned to be more representational, and the stand simplified, since it is too distracting (retail between $1200 to $1500 CAD)
- they liked the fox though the tail was a little big, and thought the butterfly pins were a great idea (retail: between $125 to $150 CAD)
- they will "go to town" if they can be an exclusive representative of my work: putting on a show, advertise and give a space in the store
- they only take work on consignment
- they sell most items if they are priced retail under $500 dollars and even more if they are under $200 dollars
Gallery 2
- the art that I create should flow so that it doesn’t look like the pieces that were glued or added on
- it was recommended that I look at animals and watch their muscle structure
- also noted that the tail and back leg of the fox could use attention (retail: fox $150, the sheep horn carving $500, the killer whale $175 dollars - the low price for the killer whale was justified because the flukes appeared to be stuck on and that if there was more flow in the piece it could go for up to $500 dollars, the butterfly brooches $30)
- she liked my work and said that I exhibited a style of my own
- when local people purchase at this gallery for others, they will spend up to about a hundred dollars, but if they are purchasing for themselves, they’ll spend between $300 to $500 dollars
- most of the summer or tourist traffic spends under $100 dollars
- I was told that if I am going to be an artist, my main concern will be to worry about inspiration, not dollars
Gallery 3
- the stands are a problem
- only a body of work that is “edge stuff” will be considered, since they will not display simple animal art
- freestanding or hanging work is desirable
Gallery 4
- they felt that the price range for the work I showed was between $150 and $250 dollars
- they liked the fox and asked if I could do four of them by August
- they said that the Americans who purchase are generally pensioners on holidays, who usually spend under $100 dollars, though Europeans and Christmas shoppers will pay more
- they liked the butterflies as well and thought that they would go well on a chain if they could be made to sell retail for under $90 dollars.
Ravens and Roses
Sunday, July 07, 1996
The ravens were having a rather strident conversation on our roof this morning at 4 am. Their raucous exchanges penetrated shingle, wood and insulation, sounding to sleepy ears like they were sitting at the head and foot of the bed.
When Miranda went out onto the balcony to shoo them away, she noticed that the rose I planted this year was beginning to bloom.
When Miranda went out onto the balcony to shoo them away, she noticed that the rose I planted this year was beginning to bloom.
Creativity or Conformity?
Saturday, July 06, 1996
Much of what we learn in youth depends on conformity: language, behaviour, goals, hopes, dreams et cetera. We are trained to “fit.”
Creative thinking is almost always met with resistance but is transforming once people see the power of a new way.
Creative thinking is almost always met with resistance but is transforming once people see the power of a new way.
Not So Long Lengths - Part II
Thursday, July 04, 1996
During my swimming time this morning I again thought through my life during the laps. I was struck again by the shortness of my life so far. Thirty five years is a very short time to be conscious.
I was also struck by the arbitrary way certainty and certainties became a part of my thinking. Perhaps it is because of the shortness of life that we adopt certain values and attitudes as certainties by necessity and without reflection, so that we can function - equivalent to instinct or instinct’s function in animals? Is university a place where youthful certainties are challenged? Or are the certainties of youth simply replaced by the dogmas of professors?
As we mature, we see things more clearly as they are, but early acquired certainties are ever hard to disregard.
I finished mounting the Dall Sheep Horn carving onto its newly completed base yesterday. Exhilarating!
I was also struck by the arbitrary way certainty and certainties became a part of my thinking. Perhaps it is because of the shortness of life that we adopt certain values and attitudes as certainties by necessity and without reflection, so that we can function - equivalent to instinct or instinct’s function in animals? Is university a place where youthful certainties are challenged? Or are the certainties of youth simply replaced by the dogmas of professors?
As we mature, we see things more clearly as they are, but early acquired certainties are ever hard to disregard.
I finished mounting the Dall Sheep Horn carving onto its newly completed base yesterday. Exhilarating!
Not So Long Lengths: A Swimming Excercise
Thursday, June 27, 1996
While I was swimming lengths in the pool today, I tried a little exercise. I tried to imagine what I was doing in my life each year during each of the first thirty five laps of my swim. One lap, one year.
Talk about one’s life flashing before one’s eyes. My life went by very quickly, like a breath.
I remembered always feeling so old and mature and responsible. I realized that I have always been on the move, on the go; the world, in my mind, resting on my shoulders.
There were also whole episodes of my life, which I remember as being very significant, which passed in two or three lengths. Many lengths passed during which it was difficult to recall anything. Strangely, I don’t recognize a lot of me in my life. Life has happened to me, with no thought for the future and blind trust in the present.
It occurred to me during this review to lighten up a bit and enjoy my kids and my wife, to treasure my family. That it is good to do the things that make our hearts glad and to hell with significance, it has played the role of the impostor too long. To dream and work to make the dream reality.
While swimming lengths for exercise it seems that the first thirty lengths take forever, but the rest fly by. Will this also be true of my life's 'laps'? Where do I want to be five 'laps' from now? Ten? I will put myself in the way of art and see where life takes me.
I am here; this is my time.
Talk about one’s life flashing before one’s eyes. My life went by very quickly, like a breath.
I remembered always feeling so old and mature and responsible. I realized that I have always been on the move, on the go; the world, in my mind, resting on my shoulders.
There were also whole episodes of my life, which I remember as being very significant, which passed in two or three lengths. Many lengths passed during which it was difficult to recall anything. Strangely, I don’t recognize a lot of me in my life. Life has happened to me, with no thought for the future and blind trust in the present.
It occurred to me during this review to lighten up a bit and enjoy my kids and my wife, to treasure my family. That it is good to do the things that make our hearts glad and to hell with significance, it has played the role of the impostor too long. To dream and work to make the dream reality.
While swimming lengths for exercise it seems that the first thirty lengths take forever, but the rest fly by. Will this also be true of my life's 'laps'? Where do I want to be five 'laps' from now? Ten? I will put myself in the way of art and see where life takes me.
I am here; this is my time.
I Did It!
Thursday, June 27, 1996
I did it. I carved again yesterday, and it was great. I need to just be there and start, and then the activity takes over.
Nothing Holding Me Back But Me
Wednesday, June 26, 1996
I don’t really feel like writing today because I have not been successful at all about carving. Today, however, opens up new possibilities, both for failure and success. I just need to walk down the stairs and do it. There is nothing holding me back today, no calls, no jobs, no assignments, no interruptions, save the kids, and that’s ok.
Church No More
Sunday, June 23, 1996
Today is Sunday. It is finally sinking in that I am no longer responsible for church.
On Decisions
Thursday, June 20, 1996
As I consider my own decisions, endless decisions, I reflect on how other people make decisions, and live their lives.
Some are limited in their choices, and so their lives are limited. Some are trapped, while others recognize no boundaries. Some are selfish; some give, expecting some recognition or recompense. Everyone is motivated by something, and by and large decisions are not a big deal.
In fact, decisions are easy to live with. What is difficult to live with are excuses, deceptions, lies, dishonesty to self, the avoidance of decision and responsibility. There is a time to gather information and to consider, and there is a time to act, to decide and to take responsibility.
This I must do. This I can do. This I will do. Just not yet.
Some are limited in their choices, and so their lives are limited. Some are trapped, while others recognize no boundaries. Some are selfish; some give, expecting some recognition or recompense. Everyone is motivated by something, and by and large decisions are not a big deal.
In fact, decisions are easy to live with. What is difficult to live with are excuses, deceptions, lies, dishonesty to self, the avoidance of decision and responsibility. There is a time to gather information and to consider, and there is a time to act, to decide and to take responsibility.
This I must do. This I can do. This I will do. Just not yet.
Encouraging Words
Sunday, June 09, 1996
I heard a voice saying to me, "Do your art, enjoy it, relish it, be free of worries about significance. Live the abundant life."
When You Come to a Fork in the Road
Tuesday, May 28, 1996
I still seem to be stuck at a crossroads. I’ve resigned from the church, but I'm afraid to reach out and touch the dream which is now just about within reach, and I need to do that but I am also afraid it will not be enough.
Star Trek Wisdom
Tuesday, May 21, 1996
I saw the last bit of a Star Trek: Next Generation episode yesterday. It must have been an early episode because the acting was very bad.
However, when Worf expressed the oft-repeated pearl that a warrior’s true battle is in the heart, that to gain control of the self is the most difficult of battles, I was struck afresh by the notion that we don’t achieve our goals by magic, but by self-control.
Obvious, yes, but it takes on fresh significance for me in my current position for there will be few if any sources of external control.
However, when Worf expressed the oft-repeated pearl that a warrior’s true battle is in the heart, that to gain control of the self is the most difficult of battles, I was struck afresh by the notion that we don’t achieve our goals by magic, but by self-control.
Obvious, yes, but it takes on fresh significance for me in my current position for there will be few if any sources of external control.
Motivation Within
Sunday, May 19, 1996
I rented a video and went to bed early last night. No carving. However, I thought a lot about carving.
I read a little from The Artist’s Way. It’s a comfort to know that others experience artist’s block too.
I thought about my lack of will, my escapist desire to be elsewhere, anywhere "the action is", and realized that this is the challenge I'll need to face next in life. I will need to find motivation, guidance and power within to live creatively.
I read a little from The Artist’s Way. It’s a comfort to know that others experience artist’s block too.
I thought about my lack of will, my escapist desire to be elsewhere, anywhere "the action is", and realized that this is the challenge I'll need to face next in life. I will need to find motivation, guidance and power within to live creatively.
Reading and Life
Saturday, May 18, 1996
I wonder if life reaches stale points sometimes because of a lack of thought; if there is a certain energy for living which comes directly from thinking new thoughts and considering fresh ideas.
Strangely, I have always viewed reading as extraneous to living.
Strangely, I have always viewed reading as extraneous to living.
How Little Importance
Friday, May 17, 1996
It is done. The letters have been delivered.
It is amazing to me and somewhat comforting to discover how little people actually care that I have resigned my ministry.
There is a tremendous freedom from obligation, which I have usually imagined, to follow one’s heart and no excuse to do otherwise. To say my life is my own is for me both joyous and empty. I have laboured under the impression that what I have done has mattered. However, time and again over the last few years, I have discovered the relative truth of that statement. No more ‘shoulds,’ just life. Just life.
I have had an idea. Why not combine antler and bronze in a sculpture? Or perhaps other materials, like marble?
It is amazing to me and somewhat comforting to discover how little people actually care that I have resigned my ministry.
There is a tremendous freedom from obligation, which I have usually imagined, to follow one’s heart and no excuse to do otherwise. To say my life is my own is for me both joyous and empty. I have laboured under the impression that what I have done has mattered. However, time and again over the last few years, I have discovered the relative truth of that statement. No more ‘shoulds,’ just life. Just life.
I have had an idea. Why not combine antler and bronze in a sculpture? Or perhaps other materials, like marble?
Artist or Priest?
Sunday, May 05, 1996
(On board ship in Glacier Bay, Alaska)
Another good sleep with a few strange dreams, one of which included living inside a huge old and wrecked building. But the building was strong; its structure was fashioned from concrete and steel.
According to dream theory, buildings represent the self. Is this building me? Is everything wrecked in my life? Wrecked back to the structures? Is my life so small that I dwell in a small part of the building rather than the whole thing? Am I meant to live a large life? Am I trying to take what is essentially a hobby and turn it into a life, or is that hobby meant to be my life and I keep it suppressed as a hobby?
I am drifting and bumping without focus at a crossroads. Which path do I take? If I could identify the right path, would it lead back to the ministry as an Anglican priest or towards art? I don’t know if I can do both well. I want to do art, but at the same time I want to be God’s friend. Do I need to be a priest to be God’s friend? No.
I have skills that allow me to make a living doing ministry, counselling, teaching, administration, and these have served me well, but these skills have a limit into which I have bumped.
I haven’t begun to explore my artistic side, and I would like to do that. In the parable of the talents, Jesus exhorts us to use what we have been given and not to deny it for some supposed thing we think God requires. Certainly my heart has always been with art, from the pre-ministry days all the way through.
Time I decide to make the switch.
I’ll draft my letter to the church board on my return from Glacier Bay. This will give me a little time to try on the decision. I am serving notice to myself that I will resign from ministry to do art. I am an artist.
As I write, I feel slightly detached from this decision, but it is the right decision and these words mark the spot. Now act.
Another good sleep with a few strange dreams, one of which included living inside a huge old and wrecked building. But the building was strong; its structure was fashioned from concrete and steel.
According to dream theory, buildings represent the self. Is this building me? Is everything wrecked in my life? Wrecked back to the structures? Is my life so small that I dwell in a small part of the building rather than the whole thing? Am I meant to live a large life? Am I trying to take what is essentially a hobby and turn it into a life, or is that hobby meant to be my life and I keep it suppressed as a hobby?
I am drifting and bumping without focus at a crossroads. Which path do I take? If I could identify the right path, would it lead back to the ministry as an Anglican priest or towards art? I don’t know if I can do both well. I want to do art, but at the same time I want to be God’s friend. Do I need to be a priest to be God’s friend? No.
I have skills that allow me to make a living doing ministry, counselling, teaching, administration, and these have served me well, but these skills have a limit into which I have bumped.
I haven’t begun to explore my artistic side, and I would like to do that. In the parable of the talents, Jesus exhorts us to use what we have been given and not to deny it for some supposed thing we think God requires. Certainly my heart has always been with art, from the pre-ministry days all the way through.
Time I decide to make the switch.
I’ll draft my letter to the church board on my return from Glacier Bay. This will give me a little time to try on the decision. I am serving notice to myself that I will resign from ministry to do art. I am an artist.
As I write, I feel slightly detached from this decision, but it is the right decision and these words mark the spot. Now act.
Resolve Needed
Wednesday, May 01, 1996
I loathe myself for being so pathetic. People cloud my vision and priorities so easily, as I take on, conform to, rebel against and react to their whims and desires for me. I must make a strong proactive decision about my future direction and stick to it this time, and I want that decision to involve art.
Artist Anger
Wednesday, April 24, 1996
I’ve been miserable lately, I think because I haven’t done much in the way of art. I have had a craving to read the book The Artist’s Way again, and did so last night. The author explained that artists do become angry and destructive if they are not creating, because the artist’s child within is fighting for its life. The artist needs to create.
Perhaps my bitterness and cynicism and blaming of late is due more to my own lack of time spent on art, than on the things that others have done or not done. Those things that others have done or not done certainly seem to fade into the background when I am creating. I know that when I am involved in my art my happiness overflows and not much can get me down.
Perhaps my bitterness and cynicism and blaming of late is due more to my own lack of time spent on art, than on the things that others have done or not done. Those things that others have done or not done certainly seem to fade into the background when I am creating. I know that when I am involved in my art my happiness overflows and not much can get me down.
Universal Quest for Significance
Saturday, April 20, 1996
Yesterday afternoon, while talking with Leah, I realized that everyone wants to be noticed or significant and that my own desire is a universal one. No one wants to be forgotten or passed over, unnoticed. But whose job is it to do all this noticing?
Anticipated Joy
Tuesday, April 16, 1996
As I pass by my studio, on the way out of the house and to work, I get a good feeling as I anticipate getting to it.
I saw Lena yesterday, and she said she will need me to carve a butterfly for her newfound daughter, to take with when she goes to visit her in July. It will be a pleasure.
I saw Lena yesterday, and she said she will need me to carve a butterfly for her newfound daughter, to take with when she goes to visit her in July. It will be a pleasure.
Celebration of Creativity
Saturday, April 13, 1996
A celebration of creativity, from carving and sculpture to writing, free-flowing and from the soul. This will be my contribution to this world. Joy, celebration, life, death, suffering, pain, love, hate, the range of human emotional and spiritual life and the beauty and power of creation itself are what I wish to express through what I will do.
Fear of a Wasted Life
Friday, April 12, 1996
Just before lunch a kind of depression hit, probably from fatigue, the lateness, the running, partly from lack of food, but it consisted of a distress that life is going by and I may be wasting mine. I have so much going for me, and yet do so little. I feel as though I should be doing something significant, but what does that mean for me?
Is it adventure I long for? Perhaps I need to learn to make the most of my current place in life. Rather than bemoan that I am not someone else, somewhere else, I will be me, here. I still think it would be great to take a year off to travel the world.
Is it adventure I long for? Perhaps I need to learn to make the most of my current place in life. Rather than bemoan that I am not someone else, somewhere else, I will be me, here. I still think it would be great to take a year off to travel the world.
Write My Own Story
Thursday, April 11, 1996
What a wonderful artist’s date last night. I finished reading “Paddling My Own Canoe” by Audrey Sutherland. I felt so good afterwards, energized. Questions about self-worth, shortness of life, ‘this is my time, what am I going to do with it?’ emerged again yesterday. The answer: I need to write my own story.
I felt again the possible freedoms I might experience as a self-employed artist. I wondered at my ‘production-based’ attitude, challenging again the notion of making for the sake of making. Given my limited life span, should I not do the important or timeless work? I mean, to the exclusion of all else? Or should I make all pieces of a high quality, so as to become cherished, and therefore timeless?
I felt again the possible freedoms I might experience as a self-employed artist. I wondered at my ‘production-based’ attitude, challenging again the notion of making for the sake of making. Given my limited life span, should I not do the important or timeless work? I mean, to the exclusion of all else? Or should I make all pieces of a high quality, so as to become cherished, and therefore timeless?
Creative Breakthrough - Genesis of My Style
Friday, March 29, 1996
I will combine concrete shapes with abstract shapes and design butterflies, ravens, and other realistic images with abstract, twisty tubes and planes.
Patrick Royle on Production Pottery and Fine Art
Friday, March 29, 1996
(Patrick Royle is a potter living in Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada, best known for his production pottery, Fireweed Series)
I talked with Patrick Royle last night about "production" pottery. I was curious to learn if he would rather work at a "regular job" and work on his "fine art" pottery in his spare time. This, instead of barely making ends meet with the product line he swore he'd never do.
His answer to taking a job was an unqualified no. He said that he loved his medium and was happy to work in it all the time. He has decided to do both and to give one full day a week (or more, before a show) to his fine art clay.
What a great attitude, one which I will emulate. The appreciation for the fact that I'll be working in antler, horn and ivory alone will be enough to carry me through the "production" pieces and fire my creative energies for larger pieces. Actually, I may be lucky in that every piece I do is an original, which enables me to take creative freedoms with each piece.
I talked with Patrick Royle last night about "production" pottery. I was curious to learn if he would rather work at a "regular job" and work on his "fine art" pottery in his spare time. This, instead of barely making ends meet with the product line he swore he'd never do.
His answer to taking a job was an unqualified no. He said that he loved his medium and was happy to work in it all the time. He has decided to do both and to give one full day a week (or more, before a show) to his fine art clay.
What a great attitude, one which I will emulate. The appreciation for the fact that I'll be working in antler, horn and ivory alone will be enough to carry me through the "production" pieces and fire my creative energies for larger pieces. Actually, I may be lucky in that every piece I do is an original, which enables me to take creative freedoms with each piece.
Tea with Maureen Morris
Thursday, March 28, 1996
(Maureen Morris is an extraordinary antler carver, living in Atlin, British Columbia, Canada)
Maureen's studio is currently located inside her funky log home, close to the road which runs along the shores of Atlin Lake, just north of downtown. The place is something to behold! There are bones everywhere, inside and out. Antler dust lies inches deep in the studio, thick, thick, thick, representing so much amazing work, so much creativity!
She'll soon move the studio out of the house and into a new building further back on the property, on the crest of a small rise. It's a much larger space and it commands a wonderful view of Atlin Lake.
Maureen takes summers off to work her large greenhouse, located just behind the house, and what a greenhouse! A paradise of wonderful humidity bearing the sweet smells of all the beautiful plants she grows.
I told Maureen that I admired the dedication she brought to her art. She demurred, explaining that it was easy, she was "just selfish." I reflected that her "selfishness" has given a lot of people pleasure.
Maureen's studio is currently located inside her funky log home, close to the road which runs along the shores of Atlin Lake, just north of downtown. The place is something to behold! There are bones everywhere, inside and out. Antler dust lies inches deep in the studio, thick, thick, thick, representing so much amazing work, so much creativity!
She'll soon move the studio out of the house and into a new building further back on the property, on the crest of a small rise. It's a much larger space and it commands a wonderful view of Atlin Lake.
Maureen takes summers off to work her large greenhouse, located just behind the house, and what a greenhouse! A paradise of wonderful humidity bearing the sweet smells of all the beautiful plants she grows.
I told Maureen that I admired the dedication she brought to her art. She demurred, explaining that it was easy, she was "just selfish." I reflected that her "selfishness" has given a lot of people pleasure.
Doubts Reinforced
Thursday, March 28, 1996
In the midst of an art marketing workshop in Atlin, B.C., Canada:
I have been stressed lately about my ability to do art for a living. I know that it is largely a psychological block, but it is very hard to get past. Again, I take refuge in the fact that I can make art despite the stress and, in doing so, the stress often goes away.
But the workshop has not helped. I was informed by Larry Garfinkle, one of the facilitators, that people will not buy my stuff outside of the Yukon. Apparently, artworks created with antler, ivory and horn are mostly an "up here" thing, with the exception of native art.
This does not have to be.
I have been stressed lately about my ability to do art for a living. I know that it is largely a psychological block, but it is very hard to get past. Again, I take refuge in the fact that I can make art despite the stress and, in doing so, the stress often goes away.
But the workshop has not helped. I was informed by Larry Garfinkle, one of the facilitators, that people will not buy my stuff outside of the Yukon. Apparently, artworks created with antler, ivory and horn are mostly an "up here" thing, with the exception of native art.
This does not have to be.
Some Design Ideas
Wednesday, March 27, 1996
(Hands in various postures along a tusk or sheep horn ...)
(Carvings with several small designs, patterned across the medium: hands, abstract ...)
Antler Carving Workshop with Maureen Morris
Saturday, March 23, 1996
The workshop went well. Last night we reviewed Maureen's work and had a look at tools. Maureen uses sanders, polishers, files (for cleaning lines) as well as Dremels and Foredoms. For finishing work she uses bits that look like a sharpened stick, none of which I have.
Today we watched Maureen carve a bird from start to finish. She takes a lot of time over her lines, using various rounded or tree bits, then refines the lines with cylinder bits and finally uses the spear-like finishing bits. Her eyes she makes with the cylinder bits and refines them with the finishing bits. Maureen works the whole carving at once and makes decisions as she goes about where to place decorative lines and feathers.
(burrs recommended by Maureen Morris during the workshop - good recommendations all! )
Today we watched Maureen carve a bird from start to finish. She takes a lot of time over her lines, using various rounded or tree bits, then refines the lines with cylinder bits and finally uses the spear-like finishing bits. Her eyes she makes with the cylinder bits and refines them with the finishing bits. Maureen works the whole carving at once and makes decisions as she goes about where to place decorative lines and feathers.
(burrs recommended by Maureen Morris during the workshop - good recommendations all! )
Secret of Success as an Artist
Tuesday, March 19, 1996
I thought I'd carve last night but instead I watched a movie, and a bad one at that.
I realize now that being successful at art is about creating pieces. Without the pieces there is nothing to sell and no business. This is the magic formula, there is no other. This is within my power to do.
I realize now that being successful at art is about creating pieces. Without the pieces there is nothing to sell and no business. This is the magic formula, there is no other. This is within my power to do.
Failing to Impress
Thursday, March 14, 1996
I think I was hoping to impress Ruth McCullough from the Yukon Arts Branch with the horn carving, but no such luck. "That must have taken a lot of time," she said, somewhat absently. Oh well.
Jerry Kortello came to her portfolio workshop tonight "to coast", but worked a bit and wrote an artist's statement. Ruth learned that Jerry had a BFA and expressed an interest in his clay train sculptures, so we set up a rendezvous at Jerry's for beer after the workshop. When she saw his 'Decision Making Train', she exclaimed, "This is the best, most creative work in the Territory!"
Ruth is now keen to have Jerry create a work for the wall in the new tourist information complex in downtown Whitehorse.
I feel a little let down personally, but am really pleased for Jerry. I hope he pursues the idea. I guess I also feel a little inadequate as an artist. I have not been through art school and this seems important for establishing credibility in official circles.
Jerry Kortello came to her portfolio workshop tonight "to coast", but worked a bit and wrote an artist's statement. Ruth learned that Jerry had a BFA and expressed an interest in his clay train sculptures, so we set up a rendezvous at Jerry's for beer after the workshop. When she saw his 'Decision Making Train', she exclaimed, "This is the best, most creative work in the Territory!"
Ruth is now keen to have Jerry create a work for the wall in the new tourist information complex in downtown Whitehorse.
I feel a little let down personally, but am really pleased for Jerry. I hope he pursues the idea. I guess I also feel a little inadequate as an artist. I have not been through art school and this seems important for establishing credibility in official circles.
Still Blocked, Need Focus
Sunday, March 10, 1996
I could not carve yesterday. I am still blocked - what is it? I think, for starters, that I am panicked or overwhelmed by the expectations I have for myself. When I go into the workshop now, rather than just seeing one project, I see many and it's hard to make a start. I need to develop a selective focus. I set too much for myself to do then get lost in the vast amount of tasks and do nothing. Like I do at work, I need to bring one project or task to completion before moving on.
(Later) I feel good about the carving I did tonight. The horn is beginning to look finished.
(Later) I feel good about the carving I did tonight. The horn is beginning to look finished.
Coasting, Not Living
Saturday, March 09, 1996
My blocks seem to be related to time, money or willingness. I think I'll start keeping a record of activities and a monthly tally of finances, to see where my time and money go. Though we make a lot, we seem to spend a lot. Also, as I've mentioned, I have been impressed lately with the brevity of life and therefore the importance of living each day, so I will find out what I do and make it conscious. Jesus' admonition to live each day takes on a renewed meaning, but it is something I need to remind myself about as I tend to coast rather more than I tend to live.
Moving Past Artist Block
Friday, March 08, 1996
The last few days I have been blocked, but went into the studio last night to have a look at the horn and saw a number of places for improvement. I think I will get the definition I need when I finish the eyes and refine the legs and finish the rocks - two layers at the back and three on the front.
Ellen's Painting - Some Fears
Thursday, March 07, 1996
I'm afraid my painting of Ellen Bruce will be stilted and not accurate. I really want the picture to look like Ellen and I'm afraid it won't. I'm afraid I'm not meant to be a painter and so finishing the painting is pointless. She is in her eighties, so I'm also afraid that she will be dead by the time I do finish it.
I will finish the painting and it will be for the love of Ellen, alone.
(I did complete the portrait, which Ellen displayed in her living room, along with some of her many honours and photos of family. Apart from the hair, which she felt was rendered with a little too much white, she seemed to like the likeness. The Reverend Dr. Ellen Bruce passed away in her home in Old Crow, Yukon, on October 17, 2010. She was 98. If memory serves, she was 78 when the photo, upon which the portrait is based, was taken at Rampart House, Yukon. Clearly, she was right about the hair.)
Dr. Ellen Bruce in 2007, with a portrait painted by Shane Wilson, which he completed in 1996.
Ellen Bruce's home in Old Crow, Yukon, Canada, 2007
I will finish the painting and it will be for the love of Ellen, alone.
(I did complete the portrait, which Ellen displayed in her living room, along with some of her many honours and photos of family. Apart from the hair, which she felt was rendered with a little too much white, she seemed to like the likeness. The Reverend Dr. Ellen Bruce passed away in her home in Old Crow, Yukon, on October 17, 2010. She was 98. If memory serves, she was 78 when the photo, upon which the portrait is based, was taken at Rampart House, Yukon. Clearly, she was right about the hair.)
Dr. Ellen Bruce in 2007, with a portrait painted by Shane Wilson, which he completed in 1996.
Ellen Bruce's home in Old Crow, Yukon, Canada, 2007
Mentor and Friend
Wednesday, March 06, 1996
Gerry Kortello, the local high school art teacher, paid me a visit today to check the progress on the sheep horn carving. He seemed genuinely appreciative of the work done and noted the difficult nature of carving with the horn's curve. He had a few positive suggestions regarding the composition, which I will incorporate into the sculpture.
I asked him if he would be my critic and mentor, and he replied that he would be my friend.
I asked him if he would be my critic and mentor, and he replied that he would be my friend.
Getting Through the Day
Wednesday, March 06, 1996
The fact that all die means that I will die. That the words on this page may well outlive me is remarkable.
Today the world seems so much more vibrant and alive, pulsating with surprising energy, but my tired eyes close it off in order to "get through" the day.
What a statement! What a mistake!
Today the world seems so much more vibrant and alive, pulsating with surprising energy, but my tired eyes close it off in order to "get through" the day.
What a statement! What a mistake!
Art Work as Play
Tuesday, March 05, 1996
What a great insight Julia Cameron has about artistic work. She recommends we consider it not work but play.
Because of a need to be perfect in my art, I have lost any sense of play.
However, I have been trying on the idea of "making a date with my artistic child to play" and it has great merit. If I say to myself, "Let's play at this today," even the most daunting task becomes a joy.
Because of a need to be perfect in my art, I have lost any sense of play.
However, I have been trying on the idea of "making a date with my artistic child to play" and it has great merit. If I say to myself, "Let's play at this today," even the most daunting task becomes a joy.
Henry Moore's Older Brother
Friday, March 01, 1996
I watched a video about the great British sculptor, Henry Moore, last night.
Moore talked about an older brother who inspired him to draw. He said he was quite good but never chose to make anything of it. I guess such a fate is possible. I did not carve last night. I think carving is still on the same level as flossing: good and important but not yet psychologically mandatory. Both need to be 'must dos' every day.
Moore talked about an older brother who inspired him to draw. He said he was quite good but never chose to make anything of it. I guess such a fate is possible. I did not carve last night. I think carving is still on the same level as flossing: good and important but not yet psychologically mandatory. Both need to be 'must dos' every day.
Two Hours To Creative Freedom?
Thursday, February 29, 1996
After the video, I slipped into the workshop and began. Two hours later, I emerged. Midnight. It felt so good.
I can see the end of the horn carving now. It does not seem to be a medium that will hold detail exceptionally well because of the hair structure of the horn.
When in the process of creating, I could work forever. It is indeed timeless. However I notice that after two hours, I tend to get a little careless. Yet this is the point when I begin to make cuts and shapes freely. Perhaps this is the time barrier to creative freedom?
After carving, I watched another library video on working in metal and stone. There are yet many great carvers in the world. I too can be one. I too am one.
There is more than enough room for all art in the world, even my own.
I can see the end of the horn carving now. It does not seem to be a medium that will hold detail exceptionally well because of the hair structure of the horn.
When in the process of creating, I could work forever. It is indeed timeless. However I notice that after two hours, I tend to get a little careless. Yet this is the point when I begin to make cuts and shapes freely. Perhaps this is the time barrier to creative freedom?
After carving, I watched another library video on working in metal and stone. There are yet many great carvers in the world. I too can be one. I too am one.
There is more than enough room for all art in the world, even my own.
Treating Self As Precious Object
Thursday, February 22, 1996
"We only have a chance of accomplishing that which we actually do." Mike Mentzer
Though Mike advocates a punishing routine to accomplish his goals (he is a body builder), Julia Cameron speaks about treating ourselves as precious objects. She explains that "treating myself like a precious object will make me strong."
How do I treat myself as precious?
I value the time I have and don't waste it on junk activities that clutter and take away from what is important.
Though Mike advocates a punishing routine to accomplish his goals (he is a body builder), Julia Cameron speaks about treating ourselves as precious objects. She explains that "treating myself like a precious object will make me strong."
How do I treat myself as precious?
I value the time I have and don't waste it on junk activities that clutter and take away from what is important.
Determined to Stay the Course
Monday, February 19, 1996
I have determined to stay the course despite emotional storms and tides. There is tremendous strength in this determination.
God as Fellow Artist
Saturday, February 17, 1996
Julia Cameron writes that God does not think our ideas for art trivial. She thinks God is an artist and artists like fellow artists. I've wondered about this for years, often thinking of God as an artist, but in doing so, found my own work trivial and crude by comparison.
Snowing and Down at Week's End
Friday, February 16, 1996
It's the end of the day, Friday. A wet snow is descending happily upon us, enclosing us for the weekend.
How am I feeling? A little lost right now. Tired at the end of the week, mostly. I feel as though I am trying to build a life on quicksand. As fast as I build, it sinks into oblivion. I must have faith in myself - one day, one project at a time.
Writing has a way of helping to focus my thoughts in a linear fashion, instead of them banging around inside my head all at once. These words are my lifeline, constantly saving me from drowning in a sea of self preoccupation and internal chaos.
I would like to try art again this evening after vacuuming.
How am I feeling? A little lost right now. Tired at the end of the week, mostly. I feel as though I am trying to build a life on quicksand. As fast as I build, it sinks into oblivion. I must have faith in myself - one day, one project at a time.
Writing has a way of helping to focus my thoughts in a linear fashion, instead of them banging around inside my head all at once. These words are my lifeline, constantly saving me from drowning in a sea of self preoccupation and internal chaos.
I would like to try art again this evening after vacuuming.
Poor Investment
Thursday, February 15, 1996
Listening to the radio, it seems like there are more and more references to the environmental meltdowns affecting our long term future. One commentator said this morning that the likelihood of people accumulating a million dollars in an RRSP and actually being able to use it in 2020 was remote.
Tired
Thursday, February 15, 1996
I made an interesting discovery yesterday. When I'm overtired I tend to overeat. Also, my creativity is down to zero.
Life as a Golf Game
Saturday, February 10, 1996
I wonder if life moves from a state where time moves so slowly, to an awareness that life is slipping by, to a panic and race against time, to a making peace with time and mortality? I am just becoming aware of how fast time is slipping by and twinges of panic occur every once in a while.
I am reminded of the game of golf. Where once I was eager to get on to the next hole, I now savour each one. Focus and deliberation, a sense of fun and persistence, despite a bad stroke or three, and never giving up ... all good life lessons!
I am reminded of the game of golf. Where once I was eager to get on to the next hole, I now savour each one. Focus and deliberation, a sense of fun and persistence, despite a bad stroke or three, and never giving up ... all good life lessons!
My Ideal Work-Live Environment
Friday, February 09, 1996
The latest exercise in The Artist's Way asks me to envision my ideal work-live environment.
My ideal environment is wilderness - in fact right where I am currently living in Faro, Yukon. My favourite season is Fall. There is a magic atmosphere in Fall when things are changing - smells, colours, anticipation of the first snow.
I love a warm, sunny, Fall day - remembering Johnson Lake, lying in the grass and leaves on the hill by the shore and watching Miranda and the kids sail and canoe on the lake. There is a stillness and beauty in such days, moments in eternity.
My ideal environment is wilderness - in fact right where I am currently living in Faro, Yukon. My favourite season is Fall. There is a magic atmosphere in Fall when things are changing - smells, colours, anticipation of the first snow.
I love a warm, sunny, Fall day - remembering Johnson Lake, lying in the grass and leaves on the hill by the shore and watching Miranda and the kids sail and canoe on the lake. There is a stillness and beauty in such days, moments in eternity.
Finally, To Work!
Thursday, February 08, 1996
I did it! Finally tonight, with everything put in place yesterday, I worked for over an hour on Maloney's sheep horn carving. It felt so natural, so simple, so unspectacular - one wonders why go through such tremendous feats of avoidance to not do that which is so easy to do. I suppose, like anything, the battle is in the mind. I feel a little as though I've been away for a long time and now I've returned - I've recovered.
Infant Internet
Wednesday, February 07, 1996
There was a presentation tonight at the College about the Internet. We had a chance to surf. Much of the Net is dry and dull - very static. It seems miraculous though, that we were able to connect by a phone line to computers in other parts of the world. The occasional site is good and attracts a lot of attention. "If you create it, they will come." There is potential here.
Artist's Date
Wednesday, February 07, 1996
Artist's date again tonight. I finished cleaning and setting up the studio. There is still drywalling, trim, painting and flooring to do but the main thing is that I am ready to get to it!
Which Comes First?
Wednesday, February 07, 1996
I continue to play the self-sacrificing saint all too often.
The thing I wish I was doing and still am not, is actually working on my art!
I read a quote recently that speaks to a tendency to place material security in front of practice. Reality, however, is reversed. First comes practice, then the ordering of affairs to achieve financial and other goals. This calls to mind Jesus' wisdom, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be added to you."
I think that this is probably true. If we had waited to enroll in seminary, for instance, until all the finances were in place, we might never have gone. The flip side was that we lived in poverty.
Even now, with a fair amount of savings in RRSP's, I wonder when enough will be enough? When to risk leaving paid employment?
I should be working on my art.
The thing I wish I was doing and still am not, is actually working on my art!
I read a quote recently that speaks to a tendency to place material security in front of practice. Reality, however, is reversed. First comes practice, then the ordering of affairs to achieve financial and other goals. This calls to mind Jesus' wisdom, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be added to you."
I think that this is probably true. If we had waited to enroll in seminary, for instance, until all the finances were in place, we might never have gone. The flip side was that we lived in poverty.
Even now, with a fair amount of savings in RRSP's, I wonder when enough will be enough? When to risk leaving paid employment?
I should be working on my art.
Wisdom from Mary Pratt
Sunday, February 04, 1996
I feel refreshed and energized in a quiet way this morning.
Adrienne Clarkson featured Mary Pratt on her show last night. I enjoyed it very much.
Mary uses slides for her paintings like I do, except more so. She paints off a slide initially to gain an outline, then uses an "inboard" slide projector to work from as she fills in her work.
She says that the first while is the hardest, filling in colours and values, etc. Often she feels tempted to give up on a piece, until she reaches the final stage where it begins to look like she wants it to, then she can play, adding highlights and touches, "bringing out this and pushing back that."
Very exciting!
She talked about the inspiration for her painting coming from "her world" and not trying to "keep up" with the art scene.
Mary also talked about the importance of light and darkness in her works, both as values and as clues about life. She doesn't feel it is possible to truly make art unless a person is in touch with both of these sides of themselves. She talked about noticing the dark and the many shades, colours and textures which it contains.
The reference slides she chooses to create her paintings must be utterly captivating to her, otherwise, the long hours needed to complete a work would be unbearable.
Adrienne Clarkson featured Mary Pratt on her show last night. I enjoyed it very much.
Mary uses slides for her paintings like I do, except more so. She paints off a slide initially to gain an outline, then uses an "inboard" slide projector to work from as she fills in her work.
She says that the first while is the hardest, filling in colours and values, etc. Often she feels tempted to give up on a piece, until she reaches the final stage where it begins to look like she wants it to, then she can play, adding highlights and touches, "bringing out this and pushing back that."
Very exciting!
She talked about the inspiration for her painting coming from "her world" and not trying to "keep up" with the art scene.
Mary also talked about the importance of light and darkness in her works, both as values and as clues about life. She doesn't feel it is possible to truly make art unless a person is in touch with both of these sides of themselves. She talked about noticing the dark and the many shades, colours and textures which it contains.
The reference slides she chooses to create her paintings must be utterly captivating to her, otherwise, the long hours needed to complete a work would be unbearable.
Weathering Emotional Storms
Friday, February 02, 1996
Emotional storms will come and go like the weather. If I am to succeed, I'll need to walk my plan on rainy days, sunny days, cloudy, stormy, snowy and freezing days.
There is a strength that comes with perseverance that I want for myself.
There is a strength that comes with perseverance that I want for myself.
The "Money" Issue
Thursday, February 01, 1996
A serious challenge to my plans this evening for an art career: the "money" issue. I'll need to prove that my art can pay for itself and allow me to hold up my end of the financial responsibilities.
Hold the Line
Wednesday, January 31, 1996
I really need to hold the line today on self-worth and direction. Hold the line!
Resolutions Not Yet Realized
Monday, January 29, 1996
From now own I'll do my own work. No more commissions.
At Eight and Eighty from Year Thirty Four
Monday, January 29, 1996
Time Travel Exercises from The Artist's Way: 'Describe Yourself at Eighty and also at Eight'
I think of myself at eight. The whole world was ahead of me, but rarely did I stop to think about where I wanted to be at thirty-four. To an eight year old, thirty-four is forever away. I remember wanting to be thirteen so I could drive! I remember playing with friends and trying to look older by wrinkling my eyes. Teenagers were impossibly sophisticated and way out of reach, and to be thirty-four? Unthinkable!
When I think of being eighty and looking back, I used to think I would say to myself, "Experience life. Live to the full." Partly because eighty is a lifetime away for me now, it is just as unthinkable. But thirty-four has come to this eight year old and so too will eighty. Now both ages say to me, "Make something of your life. Choose something and stick to it."
There are many great paths. Too many, perhaps? My parents encouraged me by saying that I could do anything. But not to choose something is to wander, to do nothing.
I choose sculpture.
I think of myself at eight. The whole world was ahead of me, but rarely did I stop to think about where I wanted to be at thirty-four. To an eight year old, thirty-four is forever away. I remember wanting to be thirteen so I could drive! I remember playing with friends and trying to look older by wrinkling my eyes. Teenagers were impossibly sophisticated and way out of reach, and to be thirty-four? Unthinkable!
When I think of being eighty and looking back, I used to think I would say to myself, "Experience life. Live to the full." Partly because eighty is a lifetime away for me now, it is just as unthinkable. But thirty-four has come to this eight year old and so too will eighty. Now both ages say to me, "Make something of your life. Choose something and stick to it."
There are many great paths. Too many, perhaps? My parents encouraged me by saying that I could do anything. But not to choose something is to wander, to do nothing.
I choose sculpture.
Step in the Right Direction
Monday, January 29, 1996
I have decided to go to the three day arts business workshop in Atlin, even though it might make my work life at the College a little more complicated.
Scads of Time
Monday, January 29, 1996
I finished the floor and the drywall in the new room yesterday evening. It's amazing, really, the amount of time that actually exists in the evening after supper. Time that is normally lost watching television.
If It Didn't Sound So Crazy
Saturday, January 27, 1996
From an Artist's Way excercize:
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd work as an artist full time, making sculpture and carving.
18. Learning to trust myself is probably the best thing I could do, in all areas of life. It would lessen the need for approval all the time!
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd work as an artist full time, making sculpture and carving.
18. Learning to trust myself is probably the best thing I could do, in all areas of life. It would lessen the need for approval all the time!
Blocked Artists Blame?
Tuesday, January 23, 1996
It's funny how some days I get up and feel enthusiasm right away - other days it feels like I've been hit by a large truck. I guess it depends what one wakes up for - what one is looking forward to.
Maybe there are many blocked artists who use others to do their blocking for them. It's easy to blame - harder to do.
Maybe there are many blocked artists who use others to do their blocking for them. It's easy to blame - harder to do.
Memories of My First Jackknife
Monday, January 22, 1996
Carving is my own. I was drawn to it at an early age and reinforced positively when Dad bought Kent and I jackknives (Jason was too young). Did Mom fret that we might hurt ourselves? How I wanted to carve a ship - to create a small world of my own from a piece of wood.
Jason, Shane and Kent Wilson, carving near Baddeck, NS Canada (circa late 1960s)
Jason, Shane and Kent Wilson, carving near Baddeck, NS Canada (circa late 1960s)
House Call
Friday, January 19, 1996
Pretty low profile today. Dr. Russell Bamford stopped by with pills in a ring box. I asked if he could bill for a house call. He said yes. Noting that he walked, in his parka of many colours and with his border collie, I asked if he could also bill for mileage. Without missing a beat, he replied, "Twenty five cents a step and I bill that direct."
The temp is supposed to stay below minus -40 until the beginning of February. I'm glad we're using wood, otherwise we'd drain the oil tank dry again.
The temp is supposed to stay below minus -40 until the beginning of February. I'm glad we're using wood, otherwise we'd drain the oil tank dry again.
Artist's Date
Friday, January 19, 1996
The 'Artist's Date', as recommended in the book The Artist's Way, went well last night. I'm proud of my accomplishment: the work bench is now finished. I thought the idea of Artist Dates was a little hooky, but experience tells me that they are actually quite a pleasant experience. They also go a long way to solidifying my identity as an artist!
Meaningful Art
Thursday, January 18, 1996
It is still cold, minus -45 degrees C with no break in sight.
This morning, in the 'warm' light of day, I can see art accomplishments as meaningful milestones in life - so long as the art doesn't become 'busywork' with no meaning. The more I invest myself, my spirit, into a piece the more meaningful it becomes. It then resonates with its own life.
Making art is a little like planting trees. Others will enjoy the fruits of your labour and rest in the shade of your effort.
This morning, in the 'warm' light of day, I can see art accomplishments as meaningful milestones in life - so long as the art doesn't become 'busywork' with no meaning. The more I invest myself, my spirit, into a piece the more meaningful it becomes. It then resonates with its own life.
Making art is a little like planting trees. Others will enjoy the fruits of your labour and rest in the shade of your effort.
Thinking about Death
Wednesday, January 17, 1996
I thought on waking about death - it will really happen to me. When I die, I wondered, will all the rushing around be important? No. Will the things I do be important? No. Even carving? No. What seems of most importance is who I am in relation to other people, the simple virtues of gentleness, humour, love, forgiveness and generousity. We tend to horde out of a fear of extinction.
Expectations of Failure Chill
Monday, January 15, 1996
It is minus -48 degrees C. The wood stove is proving its worth again. Yesterday I was up until 6AM trying to thaw the upstairs water line. For some reason the hot water line would not thaw. In the end I went to bed, leaving the all the taps on and a few hours later the hot water thawed and poured into tub and sink.
I have been thinking about a tendency I've had since youth to perform well under low expectations and fold when expectations are raised. Perhaps it is my own underlying expectation of failure? Recently, I have created more positive expectations for my self. I believe I will succeed at work. I function without a doubt that I'll succeed and so I do, but there exists within a dark voice of pessimism. Parental fear perhaps? Wanting me to succeed, the voice I remember is one of great apprehension and focus on the possibility of failure.
I will be successful. I will not give up on what is important.
I have been thinking about a tendency I've had since youth to perform well under low expectations and fold when expectations are raised. Perhaps it is my own underlying expectation of failure? Recently, I have created more positive expectations for my self. I believe I will succeed at work. I function without a doubt that I'll succeed and so I do, but there exists within a dark voice of pessimism. Parental fear perhaps? Wanting me to succeed, the voice I remember is one of great apprehension and focus on the possibility of failure.
I will be successful. I will not give up on what is important.
High School Art Lesson
Saturday, January 13, 1996
My high school art teacher, Mary Eaton, did me a great favour when she critiqued my clay pot which collapsed and became an abstract face. I scratched a hasty design on the back, which she explained was poor, not on its own merits, but because it was not consistent with the design of the piece as a whole. Years later I remember that lesson. She was absolutely correct.
An excerpt from The Artist's Way describes a central problem faced by artists when they are overly focused on outcome, they lose creativity. A corrective prayer or mantras might be "God, I'll take care of the quantity, if you'll take care of the quality."
An excerpt from The Artist's Way describes a central problem faced by artists when they are overly focused on outcome, they lose creativity. A corrective prayer or mantras might be "God, I'll take care of the quantity, if you'll take care of the quality."
Cool to be Fit
Friday, January 12, 1996
The temperature has dropped again today to -40 C. Naturally, it's a jogging day.
Tempted by Manual Labour
Thursday, January 11, 1996
Yesterday I took the Yukon College class I am teaching up to the mine for a tour. I really enjoyed working there before, but would I consider working there again? The place draws me like a narcotic - the thought of working there, of belonging, of doing something not held in distain by the majority of people here.
But what about all this?
Do we need the money? What about the money from carving? Where are my values?
Strange how, for me, town work and life seem artificial compared to work at the mine. I wonder why? Is it because mining is a primary activity: basic, real, foundational for our society? Without the primary harvesting of resources, whether big or small, civilization would not exist.
Perhaps the narcotic for me is being where the action is, being rooted, being extraordinarily common - how far away from the work of priest, counsellor, teacher, artist.
But what about all this?
Do we need the money? What about the money from carving? Where are my values?
Strange how, for me, town work and life seem artificial compared to work at the mine. I wonder why? Is it because mining is a primary activity: basic, real, foundational for our society? Without the primary harvesting of resources, whether big or small, civilization would not exist.
Perhaps the narcotic for me is being where the action is, being rooted, being extraordinarily common - how far away from the work of priest, counsellor, teacher, artist.
Morning Pages and Flossing Teeth
Wednesday, January 10, 1996
Like flossing teeth, this process of writing Morning Pages will become routine when I decide it is not optional. This writing about 'anything' comes back to me like an old friend.
Life happens and I allow myself to be taken in its flow rather than directing that flow in a responsible and creative fashion.
Life happens and I allow myself to be taken in its flow rather than directing that flow in a responsible and creative fashion.
Beginning of Morning Pages
Monday, January 08, 1996
Today is my first day of 'Morning Pages'. I have found the first chapter of Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way quite freeing. Framing art as a positive alternative/choice with successful options is a giant mental leap and one well worth taking. I have decided to simplify my life and concentrate on art. I have told the Church Board that I will be resigning from the church this spring.
Adriene Clarkson Interviews Robertson Davies
Sunday, January 07, 1996
Adrienne Clarkson interview with Robertson Davies: she quotes Carl Jung as saying that from the middle years on, having come to grips with our upbringing - good or bad, we should address the true task of our lives.
Davies says life is not about conclusions - that describes death - rather, life is dynamic, moving, now. Such a life cannot end.
Davies says life is not about conclusions - that describes death - rather, life is dynamic, moving, now. Such a life cannot end.
Ideas for Work
Sunday, January 07, 1996
Carve details into moose antler base and sides in all pieces, which serves to unify theme (intricate and abstract). Possibly also a good way to do caribou antlers: in abstract curves, threads, cubes, etc.
